Nagging Reminders

(Note: I wrote this article last week for Come Fill Your Cup, an online magazine and also their Facebook page. I wanted to share it with all of you, as well.) 

NAGGING REMINDERS 

When we got married, 28 years ago today (June 18), I was only 19.  My husband was 25.  We moved to southwest Kansas, which to someone who had never been away from my parents more than a week and who had lived a very sheltered life, was like moving to a foreign country (no offense to you all from SW Kansas!).  Seriously. It was so strange to me!

That first year and a half of marriage gave new meaning to the scripture, “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh”, Matthew 19:5. 

The concept of “leaving” in this scripture is very, very important.  We had both left our fathers and mothers, and that’s very important in the marriage covenant. If the wife or husband doesn’t “leave” their mothers and fathers, there will be trouble in the marriage.  If the parents are interfering in the marriage, there will be trouble.  It was probably good for us to be four hours away from “home”, though we both missed it terribly.  Young married couples don’t have to live four hours away to “leave”, but there certainly needs to be some space and distance between them to really “leave”, don’t you agree?

We quickly got acquainted with our new spiritual family, the church, and enjoyed our time with them.  Still, it was just the two of us as a physical family.  We were definitely “joined together” in our new life together. 

The KJV of Matthew 19:5 uses the word cleave instead of joined. The Greek word for “cleave” in the Matthew passage means “gluing together forming a bond of the firmest kind”.  A carpenter joins two pieces of wood together with carpenter’s glue and clamps.  Sometimes the pieces are cut into a pattern on the edges, then matched with the other piece in a puzzle sort of fashion, then glued. The idea is that two pieces of wood bound together are even stronger than one by itself.  Our marriages should be glued together by our Father’s Carpenter glue.  We must be committed, but it must also be the total commitment of two hearts.  It won’t work unless both hearts are committed and both are totally committed.

We were committed.  And we still are, 28 years later.

Our marriage hasn’t been perfect.  It isn’t perfect because my husband and I aren’t perfect.  We both mess up. We both say things we shouldn’t say.  We both do things we shouldn’t do.  But we are both committed to the marriage commitment we made to each other, and most importantly, to God.

Marriage is tough, but sometimes, as adults, we make it tougher than it should be. Many times, just like with children’s fusses and fights, it’s our own selfishness and pride that gets in the way.  Those problems result in arguments that are really just childish and silly.  

One thing we laugh about now is about something that started a few years after we had been married.  My husband would say I was nagging.  I really didn’t understand the nagging part, so really tried to figure it out.  I read the scriptures about nagging.  I looked up the definition of nagging because I honestly didn’t understand what I was doing wrong.  The definition was “reminding someone of something that they already know”.  This confused me even more!  

I remember talking to my husband about the “nagging” and asking him the question, “How do I know you already know it if you haven’t done it?”  I wasn’t being sarcastic or rude or meaning to be disrespectful at all.  I truly didn’t know.  I’m not sure he knew, either.  I wanted to understand so I could change if I needed to.

Now fast forward to a few years ago.  I had asked about something and my husband made the statement, “Lori, I will never remember that if you don’t write it down.”.  It was then that I realized what I never could have known early on in marriage.  It was all in what was perceived. 

My husband perceived my words early on in marriage as nagging because it looked as if I was assuming he had forgotten.  And a few years ago I was assuming he would remember, but he knew he would probably forget.  What changed? What had happened in those years in between where now he needed/wanted a reminder, but then he didn’t?  About 25 years of marriage had happened! 

You see, in 25 years a lot can change.  We change.  We mellow.  We become less proud and more patient.  We learn each others’ strengths and weaknesses.  Our attitudes change, our bodies change, our minds change.  Hopefully and prayerfully we have spiritually changed for the better, growing in the fruits of the Spirit.  In marriage we change because learn to depend on each other and help each other more and more.

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 24 But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:22-24

If there’s one thing I want the younger generations to know, it’s that men and women are different.  Obviously they know that physically, but nowadays it seems as if some want men to be more like women emotionally.  They want them to be able to feel as they feel and to know what they are thinking and want them to cater to their every whim.  And you know what?  It just can’t happen!  Men and women were created differently (not just physically) by God for a reason.  They are wired differently than we are, so they aren’t going to see things or feel things in the same way we do.

So, when I would remind my husband of things and it was perceived by him to be nagging, it was good for me to study it and strive to not do those things that made him feel less competent.  And now that we’re older and he needs a reminder, I need to do that for him, as well….and be respectful about it.

We went to a marriage seminar a few winters ago.  Trish Clarke spoke during the women’s session and said something that made a big impression on me.  She said, “If it is in your power, as a wife, to please your husband, why would you not do that?”.  Wow!  Makes you think, doesn’t it?

If something is within my power, as a wife, that will please my husband, why wouldn’t I do it?  If I say something that I know will displeases him, why would I say it?

We will accidentally say things and do things in marriage that will displease one another.  That’s just the way it is.  The problem comes when we deliberately do things that will displease one another.  That’s just wrong.

Being committed in marriage means looking out for the best interests of each other.  It means striving to please one another.  It means keeping God at the center of our marriage.

There are many ways we can undermine the role of our husbands and distort the biblical model of marriage, but there are also many ways that we can uphold His standard. Sisters, let’s all make sure that we are doing our part to help other women know and understand their part in the marriage covenant as a Christian wife.  Let’s make sure that we are being the teachers and examples that God has asked us to be for the younger women, and let’s make sure that we are living out the holy lives which God has called us to live.

Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. 4 Then they can urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, 5 to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Titus 2:3-5

Elevate Marriage Retreat

Last week, Thursday evening through Saturday morning, Joe and I attended an Elevate Marriage Retreat held at the historic Skirvin Hotel in Oklahoma City.

It was a wonderful time being with other Christian couples striving to keep their marriage a top priority and having a get away with just the two of us.

Like most parents, we get busy with the kid's activities and our own schedules and don't take the time for just ourselves like we should.

The retreat made us refocus and commit to making sure our marriage is elevated and placed before other things in life.

The marriage relationship should only be second to ones relationship with God.

Even our children shouldn't come before our marriage, but most parents fall into the "all about the children" mode fairly easily and without much thought.

We're already looking forward to next year's retreat!  Who wouldn't want to spend a few days together at a beautiful place such as the Skirvin?!

One book that the speakers used for quotes and information during the retreat was "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. If you haven't read the book, you should.  It's great!

The Skirvin has a few odd things that you don't really notice just walking by.  When you look closer, it's kind of scary and weird and funny!!!

And then you see something beautiful!  I imagined a wedding right here, but it would have to be a really small wedding being one of the entries into the building.

There were many photos of famous people who have stayed at the Skirvin over the years. There are stories about the past, stories about repair and remodel, and interesting artwork throughout.

The black, red, and gold color scheme definitely gives it a rich feel, though we got a great deal (with meals included) in our retreat package!

And then another odd little man perched up on a column! I would love to know why these weird things were included in the building! What was Mr. Skirvin thinking???!  Or was he?

We had to take a picture of the "Closed for Maintenance" sign and send to our Disney World girl.  At Disney World, the word for maintenance is "refurbishing".  So this was very un-Disney-like! Ha ha!! (I don't know why that's so funny to me!)

Thank you to BJ Clarke and Steven Minor and their wives, Tish & Stephanie, for speaking at the Elevate Marriage Retreat, and to Denton and Joanna Wood for their hard work organizing the event!  It was a blessing to attend!

Who's in Charge?

In practically every stage of life there is someone who is over us - a parent, a boss, a coach, a co-worker, and many others.  In a Christian's life, there is a higher authority that should supersede all of the other authorities.  God's Word should come before any man-made laws if they are in conflict with one another.  Our decisions should come from that Word, as well.

Let's look at "Who's in Charge?" today, and see what we can learn about each area.  Actually, as I finished point #1, I could see this post would be much too long to be one.  So, I'll be making this a "series" of posts.  Not sure how long, but several days.  (No posts on Saturday or Sunday.)

1.  Who's in charge in the family?  The parent(s)!
In a family unit, the parents are in charge of the family. In a Christian home, we know that the Bible says that the father is the head of the house.  The mother still plays a huge part of the family, but the husband is the head.  This isn't - or shouldn't be - a cause for women to become upset.  Sadly it has been that way in many cases.

God designed the family in this way for a good reason.  It wasn't because he thought less of women.  In fact, if you read the Bible you'll find Jesus was especially kind to women.  Some would say that he was even kinder to them than to men!  But God knew that in every situation, there must be someone who is ultimately in charge - the authority.  He gave that position to the man - the husband.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church....Ephesians 5:22-23a

God established the covenant of marriage - only possible between a male and a female - and used the example of the marriage of the relationship Christ has with the church.  There is no debating the subject, and no human-made law will ever be made that will nullify God's law.  God still loves those who disobey this command and those who sin in regards to this covenant, but He will not condone or overlook the sin that goes along with it in any way.

 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:25-28

Because parents are in charge of the family and the husband is the head of the family, we have a great responsibility to our children to raise them in a way that honors God.  It is our God-given duty and obligation.  As long as our children are living in our homes - and to some extent even a little longer - we must teach them and train them in many ways.  We must teach them to be honest, working citizens, but also to be faithful servants of God.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ² “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— ³ “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do no exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:2-4

More about "Who's in Charge?" tomorrow 

Praying for your Children

After the birth of each of my children, and until now, I have prayed for them.  I've prayed for their health, their futures, and about their spiritual lives.  The older they get - the more I pray. (Not that it should have been that way.  I should have been praying about them that much the whole time.)

Recently one my boys was talking to me about his future.  He isn't yet sure what direction he wants to go in life regarding a future career.  He doesn't seem to remember saying a few years ago that he was going to be a goat rancher and live next door to us forever! :) 

Jacob is 14, so he's got time, but I could tell that the questions about his future was bugging him a little bit.  I told him I would pray specifically that God would direct him in the way he should go.  I told him that before that time, I really hadn't prayed about his future career - only about his future wife.  That shocked him!  He thought it was odd that I had prayed for his future mate, but not his future career.  I explained to him that I had prayed about his future, but not necessarily about the career part......just that he remains a faithful Christian, is a good leader and role model for his family, and that he is a giving, serving follower of God/Jesus. That is my prayer for him and his three siblings.

I pray about the spouses of each of my children because whoever they decide to marry can, and will, greatly influence their Christian walk.  The thought that they would marry someone that would draw them away from God, Jesus, and His church makes me very sad.  Sad because I know that marriage isn't always easy and when the values of both the husband and wife are different - it is even more difficult.  It would also affect my future grandchildren and they're spiritual lives and ultimately, their salvation.

I pray that my children's future mates draws them closer to God and more in the footsteps of Jesus. I pray that the person they marry is a strong Christian, themselves, with a strong, unswerving faith in God and reliance upon Jesus.  I pray that they believe that the Bible is the ONLY source of what is true and right.  I pray that they love the Lord's church - just as my own children do.  I pray that worshipping God/Jesus regularly and daily is important to them - and that they will desire to bring their children up "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord".  

I pray that my children and their future spouses put their relationship with God and with Jesus above all other relationships, followed by their relationship with their spouse and then followed with their relationship with their children.  I pray that they will love each other and trust each other and mature in their relationship.  I pray that they grow old together and live a life that is an example of Christian service and love to all who know them.

As my children get older, I pray harder and more often about their futures.  They'll be leaving the "nest" very soon and to be honest, I don't like it!  However, I'm excited about their futures.  I'm excited to see how God will work in their lives - in their careers, in their marriages, in their parenthood, and in their homes.  I'm excited to see them serve others and serve God on their own - without encouragement from us.  I know this is what we've raised them to do.....or are in the process of raising them to do.

You know what? Perhaps there is someone who is praying for that same thing for their children......?  Yes, I know there are many, many who are praying for these same things for their children.  And perhaps God will work in the lives of all of those prayed for children and bring them together as we all know He can!

Some parts of this process are a bit scary because they're out of my control.  I LIKE to be in control!  But, I'm not. Thankfully, I know who IS in control, and He will help me and help my children and the parents of other children who are praying these same kinds of prayers!  HE holds their futures!  HE holds their hand! And with that I am thankful and confident that all will be okay.  I know who holds tomorrow - and my children do, too.

This song is one of my favorites.  It's directed more towards sorrow, but still makes the point that God is holding our hand and that He is in control.

I Know Who Holds Tomorrow

Lyrics and Composer: Ira Forest Stanphill

I don't know about tomorrow; 
I just live from day to day. 
I don't borrow from its sunshine 
For its skies may turn to grey. 
I don't worry o'er the future, 
For I know what Jesus said. 
And today I'll walk beside Him, 
For He knows what is ahead. 

Many things about tomorrow 
I don't seem to understand 
But I know who holds tomorrow 
And I know who holds my hand. 

Every step is getting brighter 
As the golden stairs I climb; 
Every burden's getting lighter, 
Every cloud is silver-lined. 

There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eye;
At the ending of the rainbow
Where the mountains touch the sky.

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.

I don't know about tomorrow;
It may bring me poverty.
But the one who feeds the sparrow,
Is the one who stands by me.
And the path that is my portion
May be through the flame or flood;
But His presence goes before me
And I'm covered with His blood.

Many things about tomorrow
I don't seem to understand
But I know who holds tomorrow
And I know who holds my hand.

Up or Down

When I started dating my now-husband, I was only 16.  He was 22, so it was a big age difference.  Because my mom knew his family and knew their strong Christian background, she never worried about him or our relationship.  My dad didn't, either.  He wasn't the typical, "no one's dating my daughter until she's 20" kind of dad (thankfully!).  But now that our oldest, and only daughter, is 17, and will be leaving home in a little more than a year, I think about my future son-in-law or with my boys, my future daughters-in-law.

There are some important questions to ask yourself if you are of the dating age.  As a Christian, there are some very tough questions that are of utmost importance.  Don't think that you can change someone.  Perhaps they will change on their own, and perhaps you can help them change some, but don't go into a relationship expecting it.  Go into the relationship thinking of it as an "as is" thing, if you will.  In other words, you don't want someone who will change to make you happy while dating, yet after marriage, go back to the way they used to be.  Look at their family.  Look at the way they treat their family, their neighbors, the poor, the sick, the lonely.  Look at their relationship with God.  

So, on to the questions:

Will my relationship with him/her bring me UP or bring me DOWN?
Will he/she help me grow closer to God or draw me further away?
When I am around him/her, does he/she lift me up or drag me down?
Does he/she encourage me or discourage me?
Will he/she stand up for what is morally right and ethically correct or will he/she go with the flow - even if it's wrong?
Is he/she interested in helping others, or does it seem like he/she is more concerned with himself/herself?
Is he/she striving to be closer to God, or is that personal relationship ever even talked about?
How does he/she feel about the church?  Is it important to him/her or is it something he/she feels really doesn't matter?
What does he/she believe about Jesus?  Has he/she given his/her life to him?  Is he/she totally committed to Him?
How does he/she talk about his/her parents, grandparents, siblings?

These are just a few important questions.  Of course, there are many, many more.  But as a Christian, the ones that show whether the person you are dating with draw you closer to God or draw you away from God is the most important of all.  There is no other relationship as important as the one you have with your Heavenly Father and the one you have with His Son and your Savior, Jesus.  Nothing is worth allowing that relationship to suffer.  Nothing.

These questions can be used for relationships with friends and co-workers, as well.  It is our duty as Christians to teach others and bring them to Christ, but we need to be careful that we are not being brought down in the process.  We want to be one who lifts others up, who bring others up with us, and ultimately, people who point others to Him.

Stuck Together Like Glue

In Sunday night's lesson that I mentioned in my previous post, Dr. Gilmore talked about "Keeping the Family Connected".  In a marriage, there is a commitment, or there should be a commitment, by both the husband and the wife.  The thoughts below are partly from him and partly from me.

The "Commitment Promise" is:

1. Exclusive: The commitment only involves the married couple - the husband and the wife.  Adding to this couple or taking away from it defiles the commitment.  In addition, "adding to" would also include homosexual relationships that are not God's design of marriage.  (Note:  *Hooray for Kirk Cameron who is speaking up about this subject in Hollywood.  For obvious reasons, Cameron is receiving a lot of backlash for his willingness to speak up about this hot topic.)

2.  Unconditional:  The marriage commitment is not based upon any conditions.  It remains intact through the good times and the bad times, through thick and thin (both physically and metaphorically).

3.  Enduring:  The commitment endures through all stages of marriage.  The honeymoon stage doesn't last long.

Dr. Gilmore mentioned that there are three stages of marriage, though these stages aren't original with him.

Stage 1 is the "Enchantment" phase, when everything is like fairytale life.

Stage 2 is the "Disenchantment" stage, when the fairytale image wears off and reality sets in.  At this stage both the husband and wife realize that their mate does have faults.  This is the hardest stage and depending on how both parties respond and react towards this stage will determine whether or not the marriage lasts until the final stage.  Sadly, we all know, many marriages don't make it through this stage.

Stage 3 is the "Maturity" stage, when the marriage commitment has made it through the tough times, realizing that neither the husband or wife is perfect or flawless, but that each spouse is willing to overlook those imperfections and stick to the commitment regardless.  Reaching the "Maturity" stage takes work, takes love, takes forgiveness, takes perseverance, takes selflessness, and takes a faith in God.

Tomorrow we'll look at the glue that holds the family together.

Married or not.....Read this.

This morning, I was working on a post about the elementary Christmas party.  As I waited for pictures to upload, I read this story on Facebook.  Needless to say, when I finished reading it, my thoughts weren't on the Christmas party photos, but on the power of this story.  I had to post it to share with you.  The Christmas party pictures can wait.
****
MARRIED OR NOT, you should read this.... When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! 


That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.


The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. 


My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! 


Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. 


On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. 


At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce. — At least, in the eyes of our son—-I’m a loving husband…. 


The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage! If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you. If you do, you just might save a marriage. Most of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

For Better or For Worse

When my husband and I said our wedding vows over 23 years ago, the phrase, "for better or for worse" was a part of the vows.  It's a good thing they were!  Not that this is the "worst" thing that could happen in a marriage at all, but some of these things, if not handled in a mature way, could become some of the "worst" things.

I've always been clumsy, a little scatter-brained, and have many "blonde" moments (as the jokes say :).  I've learned to deal with these "issues" and just laugh at myself - there isn't anything else I can do.  Well......I suppose I could cry and have at times......but laughing makes it all more bearable!

This photo was taken a few months after we moved in our first owned home.  It's the same one we live in now.....eleven years later.  I think the month was August, though you can't see the month in the photo.  Why?  Because, after I hit the garage all those years ago, and my husband so sweetly drew the circle around it, put my name on it and dated it, I've hit it a few times more through the years!  I guess he didn't want me to forget what I had done!

I've had other "issues" too:  Locking my keys in the car (with the latest one this past Friday in Oklahoma City), locking myself out of the house, backing into other cars in parking lots (with the latest one last Wednesday), scraping the side of our old mini van, backing out of the garage with it still closed, backing into our daughter's car in the driveway, and many, many other situations like that.  Sadly, there have been a lot of situations like that in our 23 years! But, rather than dwell on the problems I've had...and the money they may have cost....and the trials they may have caused at the time, do you know what I remember?  I remember that with each of those problems and situations, my husband's response has always been the same.  He has never once gotten mad or angry in any of the situations.  He has never questioned what I was doing or thinking (maybe he was afraid to ask??: :)  He's never once made me feel worse than I already did, but actually made me feel better.  He's always found a way to make it seem like no big deal.  He's a great example for our boys on how to react to situations they will or may face when they, themselves, are married (although I hope their wives are less clumsy than I am!!).  Joe's response is always kind....it's never mean.

"For better or for worse."  Those simple words in wedding vows really aren't that simple.  They say a whole lot.  They make a bold statement in the commitment of a marriage.  God expected marriages to last through the good and the bad.  That can only happen when there is love, forgiveness, support, and total commitment of both the husband and the wife.  It can only happen with both spouses are willing to make the worst better - not make the worst...worse.  Thank you for your response and reaction, Joe, to all of my "worse" issues!  I love you!

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

My New Doorbell

For months our doorbell didn't work.  Finally, after several months, and knowing we were having company, my daughter put a sign on the door telling people to knock.  I never read the sign, but noticed when answering the door - people were kind of laughing about the sign.  Finally I read it.  Here's what it said (in her goofy words):  "The doorbell done went off and broke itself.  Please knock."  Okay......now I see why they were laughing!!  The sign stayed put and people kept knocking, but I kept wanting it fixed.

Months went by and finally, on May 7th  my husband fixed the doorbell!  He had actually tried to find the problem once before, but wasn't able to figure it out at that time.  What seemed like should have fixed it, didn't. So time went on and the sign directed visitors to knock so we would know they were there.

On Mother's Day, my husband apologized for not having a gift for me.  I'm not a big Mother's Day fan as I've blogged about before.  To me, I would rather my children just honor me and show me that they love me every day.  (Note to those who might thing this is strange: I also think of those who are hurting on those types of days, so I try to be sensitive to them - both mothers or those who "want" to be mothers, but also to children who may not have mothers or who are not with their mothers because of abuse and neglect.)  So, to my husband's apology I replied, "That's not true.  you fixed my doorbell!  That is better than any gift!"  And, to me, it is.  I would much rather have things fixed that need to be fixed than to receive any type of gift or treat.  Those kinds of things, to me, show love.

Which brings me to another point about marriage.  Some women and men need "me" time.  Some couples need "us" time.  Those things are great in moderation,  but, for me, I try not think too much about "me" or "us". I strive to just think of my role as a wife and mother and I really don't need those things to be happy.  Maybe you do.

Do I like to go out on a date with my husband?  Sure.  That's nice and we do on a very rare occasion, but for us we don't "need" that like some might.  I would rather have us all together as a family because those times are getting fewer and fewer as our children get older and they are going to be gone before too long. We're together at activities, but there are very few times we're just all together relaxing and having fun.  Those are the times I cherish.  I enjoy the activities, too, but especially like the family time playing games or meal times at the table.

Do I need weekend get-aways with my husband?  They're fun!  We've done that a few times, too, but again, for me....for us.....we want to be together on trips together as a family.  We had six years before children to do a lot and we will have many more after they leave home (if it's the Lord's will).  We want to spend time with them while they are here.  For us, that's what we want and it's what we feel is right for our family.  Our trips are usually to stock shows and Rangers games and a few longer vacation times.

So, here's my point:  We're all different.  We all will feel different about our wants and our needs.  What is important is that there is communication in the marriage and in the family.  What is important is "being there" for each other.  Quality time is important, but so is quantity time.  Lots of "things" can get in the way of marriage and family:  work, hobbies, recreation, entertainment, etc.  Marriages take work and families take work.  They won't just "happen" and be good or great without all parties working together. Communication is the key.  That's how you and I will know what our spouse and what our family members need and want.  We won't have to guess what people need or want when we all communicate the way we should.

On this Gratituesday, I am grateful - extremely grateful for my fixed door bell!  It's a wonderful gift and has the sweetest sound (it really does!!  I want people to come over, just so I can hear it.  I've asked my children to ring it on occasion.  Weird, I know! :).

What makes you grateful?  You may like dates, getaways, flowers, jewelry....or maybe like me.....a new doorbell!

Join us for GRATITUESDAY at Heavenly Homemakers!

The Difference Between Men and Women

I'm sure the title of this post is no surprise to anyone, but this is such a true description of the differences that I just had to share it with you!

It's from Alan Smith's Thought for the Day and used with previous permission.

The Difference Between Men and Women

Haircuts -
* Women's Version: *

Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cuuuuute!

Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 2: Oh no, it's perfect! I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this style, I think.

Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute on you. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 2: Oh, now that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Woman 2: Do you think so? Oh, you're just saying that!

Woman 1: No! Really, I mean it...


* Men's Version: *

Man 2: Haircut?

Man 1: Umm hmm.

In case you haven't noticed, men and women truly are different. We think differently, we relate to one another differently, we express our emotions differently. It is those differences that often are the source of conflict in marriages (she wants to talk things out right now, he wants to sit and think about it without saying a word). Yet, ironically, it is those same differences that cause me to appreciate my wife. I admire the differences in her (when they aren't irritating me :-) , and I'm well aware that being married to someone just like me would be absolutely horrible.

All this is to say that God obviously knew what he was doing when he created men and women. Eve truly was "suitable" for Adam as a mate (Gen. 2:18).

The differences require a bit more patience and understanding on our part at times, but it's well worth it!

"Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered." (I Peter 3:7)

Give thanks to God for your mate today, in spite of (no, because of) the differences between you.

Have a great day!

Alan Smith

22 Years and The Drippy Faucet

June 18, is our 22nd anniversary.  Since I wrote the story about our wedding day (and the wreck afterwards!) last year, I'll go a different route this year.

In the early years of our marriage, from time to time Joe would say I was nagging.  You know that in the Bible, nagging is described in various ways:

Delilah nagging Samson to tell her what made him strong:

Then she said to him, "How can you say, 'I love you,' when you won't confide in me? This is the third time you have made a fool of me and haven't told me the secret of your great strength." With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was tired to death. Judges 16:15-16

Apparently some of Solomon's many, many wives had a nagging problem (all verses below are CEV version):

A nagging wife goes on and on like the drip, drip, drip of the rain. Proverbs 19:13

It's better out in the desert than at home with a nagging, complaining wife. Proverbs 21:19

The steady dripping of rain and the nagging of a wife are one and the same. Proverbs 27:15

Well, at the time when Joe would say I was nagging, it would hurt my feelings some times and I didn't really think I was nagging.  We didn't really argue, but it did kind of bother me......SO, after quite a while of that "accusation" of being a nagging wife, I looked up the definition of nag and here is what I found:

Nag:  "Reminding someone of something they already know". 

Hmmmmmm.  I hadn't been nagging after all!  Because, obviously I wasn't reminding Joe of something he already knew because it hadn't been or wasn't getting done, right????  Well, since I told Joe that definition all those years ago, he's never "accused" me of being a nag again.  And, you know what else?  About two years ago....twenty years into our marriage, he asks me to write him notes for everything....just so he'll remember what he's supposed to do!  Funny how all those years have changed the way we look at things, isn't it?

Oh, by the way.  Just now, when I looked up "nag" to see what the definition was online, it doesn't say what I found all those years ago.  Nope.  It says "a person who is not pleasant or agreeable", "to scold or annoy constantly", "to be a constant source of discomfort or worry".  If you happen to see Joe, please do me a favor, and don't tell him these other definitions, okay?? And, if you do see him, would you tell him he really does have a leaky faucet (NO!  It's not me!).  It's the faucet in kid's bathroom (thanks ;).

In all seriousness, I pray that I'm not a nagging wife by any of these definitions.  I'm sure I have been in the past and may still be at times, but hopefully not too often.  I look forward to spending to rest of our lives together.