Family Communication

There are a few things that I believe are beneficial to having a closely connected family.  First of all, without exception, it is a common faith. A faith in God, in Jesus, in the Word.  There is no other connection and no common bond that binds us together more than those built on a firm foundation of unwavering faith in Him.

But, there are other things that should go along with faith in keeping a family closely connected.  Things such as communication.....and a feeling of belonging.....a feeling of being a part.

Communication is adequately defined as in exchange between individuals through a common system of    symbols, signs, and behaviors.  But communication only happens if it is between two individuals. We can communicate with a person, but unless information is received and reciprocated, it's as if no communication has taken place.

We laugh in our family because our third child....son, Jacob...can be sitting around the dinner table with us, be present and listening (so we think) to the conversation, yet he will not know anything we've talked about!  It's a running joke!  And, he really doesn't care. :) He says that he just tunes out those family meal talks.....doesn't see the point!  Ha!  I call it the 3rd child syndrome because I've heard of many 3rd children that are that same exact way.  Perhaps it's because they never felt like they had any input, so just knew they didn't have to listen.....they'd just be told.  Maybe so!

The point is, we can't force communication on people. It must be something they want to do.  They must see that it's important to them, but also see that it is important to others.

Communication within a family, even with a family member who seems not to care, is of vital importance in keeping a family closely connected.  Here's why:

1.  Communication shows that you care.  It shows love.
2.  Communication keeps relationships close.  If we don't communicate with one another, we can't be close.  There's no way to keep close without it.
3.  Communication informs.  It's not enough to think someone knows something that is going on in a family.  We must tell them. YOU must tell them.
4.  Communication is a two-way street.  If you want people to care about you, care about them. It's really that simple.
5.  Communication shows people they matter. One of the worst things that can rear its ugly head in a family unit is favoritism.  Favoritism is wrong - no matter where it is.  In a family, maybe there will be some that you talk with more than others.  Maybe some will be closer.  But the favoritism, exclusion, obvious preferred treatment of one over another will cause nothing but damage to your family.  Be careful how you treat one another.

My husband once heard a lesson about communication. It had to do with church announcements, and the speaker said that it took fourteen times before an announcement would be seen or heard by the church.  FOURTEEN TIMES!  That's a LOT of announcing!  Or is it?  Yes it is, but really....no it's not.  I think about hearing announcements with a toddler in my lap for about 10 years. I'm pretty sure it would have taken fourteen times to get it straight!  Sometimes we're not listening. Sometimes we're distracted. Sometimes we fail to listen, fail to look, fail to ask.  It's up to us to get informed, yes, but we have to be informed by someone.

In your own personal family, it may be good to have family meetings. We have done those and still do for some things.  Maybe it will be informal meal-time announcements and thoughts.  Maybe if your family is gone, it will be a newsletter (Thanks to my wonderful sister-in-law, Robin, for doing this for my husband's large family!). Maybe it's a Facebook group, an email group, a chain letter.  Even a text or message, just to communicate. I've found that sending messages to my teens via email, text, Twitter, etc. is a lot of fun!  They seem to like it, too.  If you have young children, send a note in their lunchbox. Put a note on their bathroom mirror. (Lipstick writing is fun and boys think it's hilarious!).  Do something spontaneous!

The key is talking. Learning. Sharing. Getting connected.  The key is feeling a part.  Belonging.

Take the time to communicate with your loved ones today. It's so worth it!

Proverbs 16:23-24 

A wise man's heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction. 

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

Ways to Keep the Family Connected - Part 1

Soooo, if you have been reading my posts the past few days, you may remember that I said Tuesday that "tomorrow" I would continue the family thoughts.  It didn't happen.  Sorry about that.  It's spring break and my schedule is erratic! :)

The following are the first five points Dr. Gilmore gave on keeping the family committed and connected.  I'll do the next five points next week. My thoughts follow the points.

1.  Prioritize
I have a ladies class lesson I've done showing how, instead of trying to list the most important things in life from 1 to 10 (for example), we should make a circle within a circle....and make sections within the outer circle. GOD is in the center circle and everything else in life is written in each of those sections in the outer circle.  That way GOD is in the center of EVERY part of life.  Example: In our family, God is the center.  In our work, God is in the center.  In our entertainment choices, God is in the center.

2.  Monitor Outside Activity (meaning "away from the family" activity)
I heard a preacher say once that he limited his children to one activity and recommended doing that to parents for their own families.  In a small town, I have to say that is really hard to do!  Students here are involved in a LOT of things all at once, sometimes because if they weren't there wouldn't be enough players on the team, etc.  However, it's really easy to become too busy with "stuff and things" and allow all of that to get in the way of our spiritual lives and our family commitments, so we must be willing to say no some times.  I know it's hard.  We face it every day.  I have a theory, though.  I appreciate coaches and have some family and friends that are coaches, but I also believe they would and will rule the world if we allow them to do so. (Family/friends/kid's coaches.....please forgive me.  I mean no harm!! :0) ha ha ha...(I said this at a ladies day event a few years ago, and a coaches wife was in attendance.  The next morning at worship she said she told her husband what I said!  I was a little worried until she said, "He agrees with you!" :)

3. Control Work Schedule
Money is a necessity in every one's life, but many of the "things" of life are not really necessities.  What is that saying, "We spend money we don't have to impress people we don't like"??  For some, maybe that's true.  For others, maybe we work and work and work so that we can have things that are wants instead of needs...all the while giving away more and more precious family time.  Our children grow up so quickly!  Time spent WITH them is so much more important than the MATERIAL THINGS we might give them.  Children would much rather have their parents around and involved in their lives than not, even if they don't want to admit it publicly.

4.  Develop Family Philosophy of Leisure and Together Time
Obviously each individual in a family is going to have different ideas of what is enjoyable and fun.  For one, it might be working in the yard.  For another it might be board games.  For another, maybe it's TV or a movie.  We're all different.  So we have to be creative, don't we?  Maybe a family game night one week, a movie the next week, and everyone helping in the yard another week.  Or, maybe write down ideas and draw an activity from a jar.  The important thing is just being together - without distractions of cell phones, computers, etc.  The important thing is talking...communicating with one another.  There have been times in our lives when I have thought it was a treat if all six of us were in the car together!  Sounds strange, I know, but at times that doesn't happen very often.  The older our children get and more involved in those activities I mentioned above, the less often we're all together. 

5. No Amount of Money Can Fix the Problems in the Family
I really liked this point!  Isn't it true?  No dollar amount can fix what is lacking.  No dollar amount can make what is bad, good.  When problems arise, only you and I can fix them.  We have to work together within the family unit to make things better.  Stifling anger and harboring resentments will only make things worse.  Some people have trouble letting others know their true feelings.  On the other hand, some have trouble with controlling their emotions.  There's a happy medium where problems are worked on and not ignored.  Problems might not can be fixed, but they can be handled.  It doesn't have to involve money, but it does take work.  It's worth the work to help your family be the very best that it can be.

More points to follow next week!

Teen Talk - Text & Chat

Having teenagers is fun....most of the time.  If you're a parent of a teen or have been in the past, you know exactly what I mean!

The difference in teens today, compared to teens in the past, is the way they communicate.  Today's means of communication is instant, as well as constant, but communication is not always verbal.  In fact, if we're not careful, communication with our teens will never be verbal.  It will be by text and chat, but never face to face.  While this new way of communication is beneficial in many ways, we must make sure we have the face to face contact that we should be having with our teens.  It's not that they will want it or think they need it, but it's that for our relationships to be what they should be in Christian families (and ALL families), we have to have that face to face contact.  It's up to us - the parents, grandparents, and adults in general - to keep that face to face contact in check.

Now, occassionally, I myself like the quick text/chat communication with my family.  The other night I was posting pictures on the computer for my daughter and I needed to ask her a question.  She was in the living room with her brothers.  My husband was asleep and my computer is in our room, so I didn't want to disturb him by yelling for her (Yes, in our house we yell for each other.)  I was lazy (yep, I was) and didn't "go" to the living room to ask her a question, but instead I sent her a chat message on Facebook.  She answered my question and we chatted back and forth a little bit about the pictures I was posting, but then she wrote this to me:  "Mom, get off.  This is too weird."  What?  Chatting with your mom on Facebook is weird?????  Why would that be weird????  Because mom is "with it and cool"???  I won't ask that question.  I might not like the answer!

Yes, communication between people has changed dramatically over the years - some for the good and some for the bad.  But not all communication has changed. Communication between us and our Heavenly Father is still the same.  We still have the same way to communicate with God as we've always had.  In fact, we have the same way to communicate with God as all living beings have ever had (with a few exceptions in the Bible who spoke with God in unique ways.)  Prayer is our communication with God and He listens to us whenever we speak to Him.  He is there and always will be.  We can't text God.  We can't chat with him in the same way we can with an individual over the computer.  We can "chat" with him in prayer all day long, though....and should.

Thank you, God, for the communication we can have with You!

Note:  Our high school has an essay contest in May.  One of the winning essays had to do with communication.  If you are interested in reading Kerry's 1st place essay, click here: Victory Herald.

I Assumed He Understood

Today was our counties' annual 4-H demonstration contest.  Two of my boys entered the contest - Jacob made Crockpot Candy (recipe on our family blog, click here) and Zachary made a mousetrap catapult. Others from our local 4-H club also entered the contest, along with many others from the county. 

Because we've been so busy with other activities, last night was the first time my own boys had actually gone through their demonstrations.  Instead of pouring out the ingredients for the recipe while practicing last night, I just had Jacob play like he was doing it.  However, the plan (according to me) was that he would pour out the ingredients during the actual contest.

Well, today, Jacob was giving his demonstration.  As he began telling the audience how to make the candy, instead of actually pouring the ingredients into the crock pot like was planned (or at least I thought it was planned!), he just pretending to be doing it!  I couldn't believe it!  He had no idea that he was supposed to actually use the ingredients during this real contest time!

Jacob was surprised when I explained to him what he was suppose to have done.  I just assumed that he realized that he would actually pour the ingredients, but he didn't. I guess I should have been clearer and explained to him exactly what he would be doing.  I actually had no idea he didn't understand.  Kind of funny!  I got the whole thing on video so I can show him for himself some day. :)

Communication breakdowns sometimes happen and many times it's not anything super-important, but sometimes it is very important.  Relationships can be severly damaged by broken down communication.  I've heard the saying about how God gave us two ears and one mouth so that we could listen twice as much as we talk.  That's pretty good advice! Assuming that someone understands something is most likely going to result in problems of some kind.   Effective communication is communication that involves both talking and listening - not just one or the other. 

I can think of a few top ways in which we can communicate more effectively with others:

1.  When listening to someone, really listen. 
2.  Make eye contact. Look directly at the person speaking.
3.  Try not to be thinking about what you want to say next - instead fully listen to the person who is talking. 
4.  When someone explains something to you, it's wise to repeat back to them what you are hearing...that was you're sure to know you are both thinking the same.
5. Never assume someone knows what you're talking about.  Make sure to explain what you mean fully.

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

James 1:19

What are some ideas you have about communication?